A Masshole’s Advice: Please consult your user’s manual

Being from Massachusetts, I frequently encounter “Massholes,” and often, I transform into one. I don’t need a phone booth to pull on my Masshole tights and my Masshole cape as the transformation is instantaneous. From normal “me” to raving lunatic behind a steering wheel! Watch me shape-shift from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, from human to howling werewolf all in a nanosecond. No need for a science lab or a full moon. A shitty driver will do. For those of you who live beyond the New England area and are unfamiliar with the term, “Masshole,” I will loosely translate: A Masshole is an asshole Massachusetts driver who cuts you off, gives you the finger, honks the horn much longer than is necessary, when it’s not even necessary, and who thinks no one knows how to drive except for him/her. Our middle finger is our driving finger.

Masshole characteristics include a belief that a yellow light means “go faster” and a red light means five more cars can go through the intersection. Driving up someone’s rear end even though that person is going the speed limit (or faster!) is common. Likewise, slowing down to piss someone off who is driving up your rear end is part of the charm. We let no one on a rotary, unlike our friendly New Hampshire neighbors who believe in letting an entering car onto their “(sissy) roundabouts.” It may even be a traffic law out there in cow country.

In Boston itself, the Massholes are even worse — the light changed and the drivers behind you were able to count “1 one thousand, 2 one thousand?” A noisy chorus of honks blasts up your rear end. If you are from Massachusetts, you stick your hand out the window or through the sunroof and give your fellow Massholes the driving finger. If you are from out of state, you cringe and swear you will never drive in this god forsaken place again. Maybe Boston drivers should be called “Massive-holes.”

I often want to scream at the person driving a car in front of me going 40 miles per hour on a 65 per mile highway, “Consult your user’s manual. Look up gas pedal and see the page where it says, ‘Put your fahking foot on the fahking gas pedal, to make your fahking car go faster. ‘”

I believe it is equally dangerous to drive too slowly as it is to drive too fast, especially on highways. You interrupt the flow of the traffic and cause people to stop short, to weave in and out of lanes to get past you, and to basically trigger their anger issues. So, use the gas pedal, ‘kay?

Now, if you are driving up my butt, and I am in the right hand lane doing 65 mph or faster well, you can just go fahk yourself, buddy. I will slow down even more until you pass me, you wuss… and when you finally find the nerve or are frustrated enough to move into the lane on my left, I will then speed up my car so you have trouble pulling in front of me. And if you do manage to pull in front of me, I may just start to drive up YOUR butt.

Road Rage is the name of the Masshole’s game. My advice? Take a trip to Vermont.

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